Friday, 30 March 2012


Re reading my post of  13 October 2011  I am amazed at how fast time moves, no surprises really there eh? And it occurs to me that time does heal, again we know this to be true, but at any given time, the pain and stress and perhaps frustration at it all overwhelms and we cannot see it...

My daughter, now 20, is I am guessing submerged in uni-itus. She does not text not email nor phone me. I last saw her twice over the christmas hols, no not over christmas and not on her birthday a few days later. She appeared at the apartment to 'crash' after losing her friend in a club and so l was the port in the storm, at least l had that.

I haven't wept over it, nor let it define any piece of me. I am after all changed; by the emotional chaos of our split and divorce. I now think that she maybe haunted by the break up and her choices she has come off worse than either of us and her brother. Or perhaps she is more of his blood and just separate from me in a way I don't care to admit, or praps I just failed her and I was less than she expected or needed.

I know I did my best for her and by her. I stayed longer in an unsatisfactory marriage than l should, and that may have seeped through and stained her. For that l am sorry.

I didn't bring her up to cause pain by omission. It concerns me I keep it all in a box. Carefully apart from me, so as do less damage to my heart. Under wraps and I always fail to reach outf again, for fear of more rejection. No Mothers Day card nor call.

I did do my best. My best now would be better.

My son hopes for uni in the autumn. I am prepared, I will not be bereft. I will not. I will.

Recently I was told, '... your Mum (Moannie who is very ill) is on her own journey, as is your daughter and soon your son, Saz you should not wait to live and and love now and make for your own journey..'

and I will and I do just that...

My message here is there comes a time, often way put yourself above it all and yeah maybe in the line of fire.....but out there...the teenagers become young adults and accountable....and the consequences kick in and they have to wipe up the spilt milk, not you or I hold the cloth in readiness...just let them go, it is very hard, but do-able.

I have plans, I am rebuilding and on my own journey, centre stage..

... and I have the arms of a wonderful man to hold me.

Saz x


  1. So glad you now have the arms of a wonderful man and you know how I think of you and Moannie but what I really wanted to comment on was -
    "I did do my best. My best now would be better." I doubt there is a caring parent in the land who wouldn't say the same. Your best at the time is all you can do.

  2. Obviously I don't know the whole story - but I do know that you have done the best you can. And that children that age are very much into themselves and their lives. With a bit more maturity on her part things will begin to swing around.

    As mothers we all think "I could have done better" over everything. But as John so wisely said, "Your best at the time is all you can do."

  3. There's a new man??! I am excited for your change and this time in your life, Sara - You are brave and beautiful and IT'S TIME - I'm shouting here from over the hills!

    Your daughter is on her own journey - It is a difficult one and I believe she is punishing you and, therefore, the wrong person...

    I am sorry that her behaviour brings you to sadness, but harbour no regrets, ma belle. Please.

    You are loved. Muchly.

    Smile, and turn your face towards the spring sunshine, put those fabulous shades on and switch the engine on. It's time for you. Mwah!

  4. What a raw and honest post... "I did do my best. My best would now be better"... I think the same could probably be said for all of us x

  5. Admirable post and I agree with the others "I did do my best...." is all we can do and with hindsight it can always for somethings seem better.

  6. If it's any consolation I went through a terrible stage of not keeping in touch in my early twenties.
    My excuse is that I just didn't think... and that was without a divorce or any such seismic change...

  7. Fhina...same man, he just reappeared in the new year, sculking...and l never could resist a skulker...who am l kidding, I can count them on the fingers of two hands..
    Ray Lamontaigne is back!! for now...l'm a today girl 5 year plans..its all in the stars now...

    luv you x

  8. lottie, bas, macy and gigi thankyou, reassurance and reiterating my thoughts, keeps me strong... are a sweetheart...xx

  9. I hear you. My son had to leave home at 17 earlier this year. His behaviour had become untenable. It is unlikley he will return home but our relationship has become better. But its been hard and not knowing or having contact is so very very hard. Like you I know I did my best. Glad you have someone to help you through it. My chap didn't have the balls for it

  10. An honest, sensitive post. You deserve better. Good luck.