Hindsight

Re reading my post of  13 October 2011  I am amazed at how fast time moves, no surprises really there eh? And it occurs to me that time does heal, again we know this to be true, but at any given time, the pain and stress and perhaps frustration at it all overwhelms and we cannot see it...

My daughter, now 20, is I am guessing submerged in uni-itus. She does not text not email nor phone me. I last saw her twice over the christmas hols, no not over christmas and not on her birthday a few days later. She appeared at the apartment to 'crash' after losing her friend in a club and so l was the port in the storm, at least l had that.

I haven't wept over it, nor let it define any piece of me. I am after all changed; by the emotional chaos of our split and divorce. I now think that she maybe haunted by the break up and her choices she has come off worse than either of us and her brother. Or perhaps she is more of his blood and just separate from me in a way I don't care to admit, or praps I just failed her and I was less than she expected or needed.

I know I did my best for her and by her. I stayed longer in an unsatisfactory marriage than l should, and that may have seeped through and stained her. For that l am sorry.

I didn't bring her up to cause pain by omission. It concerns me I keep it all in a box. Carefully apart from me, so as do less damage to my heart. Under wraps and I always fail to reach outf again, for fear of more rejection. No Mothers Day card nor call.

I did do my best. My best now would be better.

My son hopes for uni in the autumn. I am prepared, I will not be bereft. I will not. I will.

Recently I was told, '... your Mum (Moannie who is very ill) is on her own journey, as is your daughter and soon your son, Saz you should not wait to live and love....live and love now and make for your own journey..'

and I will and I do just that...

My message here is there comes a time, often way overdue...to put yourself above it all and yeah maybe in the line of fire.....but out there...the teenagers become young adults and accountable....and the consequences kick in and they have to wipe up the spilt milk, not you or I...now I hold the cloth in readiness...just let them go, it is very hard, but do-able.

I have plans, I am rebuilding and on my own journey, centre stage..

... and I have the arms of a wonderful man to hold me.

Saz x