Friday, 13 November 2009

Could you P- LEEAZZZE...

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I remember quite clearly a time when Moannie wrote a list of do's and don'ts for the teens in her family, partly illustrated as is her style. This was a cry for help that l recognised, I had long since left home, married and I was visiting one day when I could tell she was at the end of her tether. I think this was also around the time she, at the end of a meal, in response to a simple question like, would you like some pudding too? that my fathers response was less than polite, probably sarcastic in his snappy Latin inimitable style, and she poured the contents of a can of chantilly cream all over his bald head with it.

We all hesitated with held breath for more than a nano second, realised he wasn't going to implode and instead we all laughed together, including the french student who looked aghast but just a bit impressed at the goings on within his anglo/french host family.

This list of heartache my mother poured out on to a large card, which she put up for all to see (And sign that they read and understood if l recall) in the dining room. This was the result of her lazy teenagers, showing her little respect, albeit unwittingly. And for the lackadaisical demeanour shown by my siblings and my father to her at the time.

I thought this was all fairly amusing and typical of my slightly manic and turbulent and very reactionary family. So no surprises there.

But now, almost 3 decades later, I GET IT MUM!

I wonder if you still have that list from which we could all here draw upon here.

Mine would have such detail and beseechments as;

PLEASE for the sake of your mothers sanity...

  • pick up your clothes of the floor
  • remove all food stuffs, milky mouldy glasses, old foiled wrapped sarnies now blue green and put them in the bin
  • close the inner packaging in the cereal boxes, that's why they go soggy!
  • don't stack the dirty dishes on top of the dishwasher, the machine is good but it cannot, as yet stack itself
  • close the front door when you enter, no l don't mean lock it I mean CLOSE it.
  • lock the doors and close windows when you leave the house unattended,
  • tell someone when you drink the last of the milk/bread/butter and leave none for the morning
  • correction, please do not DRINK the last of the milk, LEAVE some for the morning
  • Don't leave lights, computers, speakers and hair straighteners on, for so many reasons, least of all costs and safety!
  • It would be grand that after 14 years of early mornings and school runs, if I could have a lay in on MY day off, and you get yourselves up, JUST ONCE maybe!
  • Don't bang doors
  • Don't swear under your breath, I take it personally
  • Don't talk to me walking halfway up the stairs I don't have bionic hearing
  • I still give you lunch money, that means food & drink, not Starbucks and not to spend on the bus, its only 1.25 miles to school! If it rains l give you lift! OH Whatever!
  • do say please and thank you to ME! Everyone tells me how Fab you both are, how polite and respectful but WHAT ABOUT ME! Thank me for the lifts here, there and everywhere!
  • Please get up and answer the door to the postman when l'm at work and you're home (in bed asleep) the note he leaves has a time of attempted delivery, so l know what time you were still in bed. AND if l can get out of bed on MY day off and sign for YOUR ebay items, then you can scrub my back also....
Please feel free to add your rants here..............................Phew!
I KNOW there's so much more, but l need to take a break.


  1. * Don't put the empty container back in the pantry/fridge - throw it out!!
    * Don't wait till the last minute to tell me you need XYZ for a school project that will take you at least 9 hours to do and is due tomorrow.
    * Quit leaving your stuff just lying around and then expect me to know where it is

    I could do this all day long!! Great post

  2. Brilliant! Spot on!
    *Wipe the wet room floor after a shower so no one breaks their neck going to the loo!
    *Close the kitchen cupboard doors - they work both ways!
    *Put a new loo roll on the holder if you use the last one!
    ...and so on....

  3. ooooh let me play! And can you PLEASE pick up your wet towels and put them away. No you don't need a new towel every time you have a shower, this is not a hotel (though I wish it was). Oh and by the way... can you stop being late to school!? I thought we were done with getting you up and feeding you and then dressing you. I'm also tired of getting shirty notes from the headteacher. No means no not maybe if you nag enough. My makeup, perfume, deoderant expensive Kerastase shampoo - hands off! Whew! Oh and yes, when you say on Friday night that you have no homework, I assume that still applies on Sunday night, so don't pull out the books and look studious at 10pm. I could go on for hours..

  4. my face wipes disappear as does my nail varnish remover, hairspray. I find my make up in her dresser..but of course all my stuff is in dull and horrid!

    they gag when they scrape their plates clean or open the dishwasher!!

  5. Don't leave opened milk out on the bench to turn into cream cheese - Not!

    Don't expect me to know where everything in the house is, even when I've never seen the item you're talking about...

    Don't leave the TV on, blaring loud, when you're not even in the room and I am trying to drown out some senseless American teen-drivel you've been watching...

    Don't expect to have clean clothes for school on Monday if you didn't give me them to wash for you at any point during the week or weekend...

    Do remember what your wardrobe is for, and that big, big chest of drawers in your room!

    Don't tell me you've stopped smoking when I sneaked in your room and found the telling paraphernalia!

    Don't leave clean towels soaking on the floor, only to turn all musty and horrible-smelling in seconds, so that I need to wash them immediately or risk gagging when I drag my sorry-soul upstairs!

    Thanks for this, Saz - Wonderful! xox

  6. You know, I've looked everywhere for that piece of card, and you know I never throw anything away-I still have drawing you guys did for me when you were kids. I think pop must have taken umbrage and thrown it.

    It was entitled My Charter, or some such vanity. And was a cry for some kind of acknowledgement that I mattered. Great post as per, Sazzie.

  7. Saz, that has to be the best post yet on MMM. If I thought it would have the slightest effect I would copy it verbatim (with all the aadditional wonderful comments) and add a few more like

    Salt cellars live in the kitchen and dining room - not in your den. We have seven of them and I hate it when they are all in your room - especially as we gave you your own for Christmas.

    Don't switch channels on the lounge TV - since you have two of your own - when it's recording my Grand Prix.

    Oh, this is a great game I could carry on for days...

    But I would have to preface it with -
    For God's sake if I leave you a note you are meant to read it!!!!!

  8. Oh you should put this up on BMB too.
    Anyway, I'd like to add-

    - the answer to my question "What Homework do you have?" isn't "Not much"

    - don't open a new cereal before the other one is finished

    - take your ear phones out if you address me

    - bring the mugs down from your bedroom. All 12 of them

    And yes, I could go on ad nauseam. Great post.

  9. I wrote some similar stuff on my blog a while back. (I was going to copy an edited version over here, but the copy/paste won't work!! and I'm lazy!- sorry, smacks of shameless self promotion...)
    Very tempting to convert that, along with everything suggested above, into a list to pin up at home. Problem is, the first thing on the list would have to be "Read this list" because they'd just ignore it!