The Worst In Them Is Really The Worst In Us

(Photo courtesy of Paola )

Teenagers, if we let ourselves see it, are the best mirrors into our own personalities. That is not a pleasant thought is it? Especially when your kids are acting like typical sometimes obnoxious teenagers.

Although I have been privy to this little tidbit for quite a while, yesterday it kind of struck me in the face at full force. My second child (out of 5) is 18. He is a great kid with a kind heart, a great work ethic and I love him dearly. His biggest problem, he has a temper. It is a problem that has been an issue for quite a few years. Too often when he is around there is a lot of yelling, ordering around of the younger kids and him just losing it.

It's even gotten to the point that his 11 and 12 year old siblings don't want to stay home alone with him because it is just unpleasant for them. He also sometimes (okay many times) has a less than pleasant manner of talking, asking and replying. The tone of his comments sometimes come out nasty even if they are not nasty comments.

I have been fighting a losing battle with him lately about the manner in which he talks to me. I refuse to be spoken to in a fresh tone of voice or with an attitude. I don't feel I should let him get away with it and I don't feel I deserve it. Again-we don't see eye to eye and not much progress has been made. Yesterday, we had a family day.

We went to visit friends and family. The biggest problem was during the drive. My son is impatient and he feels cramped. We all do, but sometimes you just have to suck it up. Not much you can do about it. By the time we got home things were just worse, and within 5 minutes of getting home he already had the 11 year old in tears. Just to qualify that, it is not really that hard of a thing to do because he does tend to cry quite a bit, but still it was not warranted.

My husband lost it. I don't think I have heard him yell at any of the kids like that in a very very long time. After having had numerous issues on the drive home, this incident was the straw that broke the camel's back. That ended up leading to a disagreement between my husband and myself. I get upset and a few minutes later I am over it. My husband on the other hand has the memory of an elephant and he doesn't let go easily. Even this morning he was still upset and it was clouding his mood.

Last night when I had sat down to talk about the issue with my husband, it just really hit me that the things we are having the most issues about with my son are the things we ourselves need to work on most. It was not a very flattering mirror to be looking into. Both my husband and I have been "blessed" with tempers, but I will make this more about myself than my husband. He will have to come to his own conclusions about himself, because from my experience trying to tell someone something is not as powerful as taking your own look at yourself.



(Photo courtesy of Jillallyn)

So what did I see about myself yesterday? Well maybe I don't treat and talk to my kids with enough respect. Yes, that might sound odd, but I do believe in treating people, any person, the way you yourself want to be treated.

Easier said than done of course. I often fail at it. I am after all only human and unlearning a behavior and replacing it with a new one takes a long time. It may be weeks or months until the new behavior actually turns into habit. I also realized that I am impatient and many times I tend to answer my kids impatiently, abruptly or sarcastically. I don't always do that of course, but it tends to slip out of me in that manner more often when I am stressed or tired. So, it happens a lot I guess.

Sadly, I have also at times found myself yelling at my children to stop yelling at each other. Funny eh? Nope, quite pathetic really. That is really not being a good role model! The other thing I realized is that kids know when their parents disagree about something. It seems too often lately that after I say something to one of the kids, my husband will tell me (in a low voice), that I should let it go, or I shouldn't say that or my favorite comment these days (not), that I am piling on.

Our kids have very good hearing. Low voice or not, and even if they didn't hear the words, they know that their father thinks their mother is wrong. Somehow, we are going to have to find a way to stop that. I have no issue being told, not in the presence of the kids that he disagrees with me and to discuss it.

I do have an issue with anything contradictory being said in front of the kids, whether it is done discreetly or not. What is the hardest thing about dealing with your children and especially teenagers? I think that it is the fact that if you are honest with yourself, the behaviors you like the least in them, are really just a reflection of the mistakes you yourself are making in your life.

Not a very flattering mirror to be looking into is it?

by Susie.