The teenagers and their little prodigy (aged 9) have disappeared Down Under to torment the Father for a month. We can tell they’re Missing In Action. Here’s how:
1/ Water – We have water. We have HOT water, on demand! This little terrace in North Hampshire has become our latest spa. Now if I could only figure out how to get manly, muscled attendants to preside over my la salle de bain.
2/I threw out a bottle of milk, because it was past its use by! I know. I can’t remember ever doing that before. Typically the Son (15) skulls the milk with cornflakes to build up his strength for another demanding day building levels on Little Big Planet. Dark Princess (13 going on 30) is determined to nip osteoporosis in the bud so she downs the rest of the carton before anyone wakes. We are perpetually short of milk, so much so I’ve considered raising a cow in the back yard.
3/ The TV has not magically turned itself onto Cartoon Network overnight.
4/I have loo roll, dishwashing and washing machine tablets, and enough butter left to freeze and carve into a sculpture!
5/At midnight last night I could hear something creaking in Son’s room.
6/I can dash to the loo in the middle of the night without having to grab my ever-so-sexy black velour dressing gown, and no one yells ‘Muuuuuum’. (‘This embarrassingly stretch-marked body gave birth to you child!’)
7/ I can play Tainted Love without being reminded how old I am by the teens knowing all the words (it’s on Guitar Hero as a retro hit)
8/I have bandwidth. It’s not being sucked away by Limewire or online battles of Age of Empires.
9/I feel the need to engage my Englishman in petty argument. I’m just not getting enough verbal sparring.
10/I can locate all of my clothes. They are not stuffed under Dark Princess’ bed in a smelly heap. Pairs of shoes are still in my wardrobe not missing last seen at school/dance/drama. I have hair ties for the gym, and I haven’t had to look at a nit comb in a fortnight!!
I have two more weeks of this strange regime and then they will return. I’ll probably be missing them by then.